"Can't you just cut me some slacks?!" and other hilarious one liners

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The first time I read this list, I was literally teary eyed while trying to stop myself from laughing out loud during our Information Technology 101 class....

This is an old joke list I unearthed while going through my Xanga blog archives. It had me in stitches once again, much like the first time I read it, so I figured, it needs to be reposted! :p I modified it a bit too, to update it for 2009.  :p

How to misuse Figures of Speech

• Company manager mulling over his next strategic move: "Argh! This is a no-win-win situation!"
• Man to his new wife: "Don't worry honey, we'll just burn the bridge when we get there."
• Lawyer to the jury: "Ladies and gentlemen, this contract is anulled and void!"
• Same lawyer above, on a different case: "Your honor, this exercise is mute and academic..."
• Man to his friend, "Don't worry too much about it, if worse comes to shove, just leave it!"

• Girl to boyfriend: "Ohh? Are you joking my leg?"
• Exclamation: "Oh my God! It's a blessing in the sky."
• Randy: "Dawg, you're barking at the wrong dog."
• Simon: "You want to have your cake and bake it too... well it ain't happenin'."
• "Now and there..."
• "I'm only human nature...sob!"
• "The sky's the langit." (For non Filipinos, "langit" means... well... "sky".)
• When boss asked how project is progressing, employee answers: "Sir, so far, so good...so far." Boss respond: "Well, hurry up! Time is of the elements."
• Describing a shooting star: "Then it was gone in the wink of an eye!"
• "The feeling is actual."
• "For all intense and purposes."
• Explaining: "It's a base-to-base casis..."
• "Can't you just cut me some slacks?!"

Pinoys' Mga Sablay na Hirit

• Gangster walks in to find his wife with another man and says, "Well well well, look do we have here!"
• Pinoy mom to son's friends: "C'mon, anak, invite your friends, oy c'mon let's join us!"
• Security guard to driver: "Sir, please open the back - I need to inspect your trunks."
• "Are you sure ka na ba?" 
• Religious woman: "Oh my God! My answers have been prayered."
• An emotional wife to her husband: "Please!    me!   alone!!!"
• To car owner after periodic maintenance: "Ayan na ser, It's as brand as new!"
• "Sorry I'm late, I ran into some errands."
• In a bar: "Hi. I'm Charlie, what's yours?" 
• Boss to subordinate: "It's not my problem anymore! It's YOUR problem anymore!"
• Friends talking at a funeral: "Grabe, you can never can tell, no?"
• Man 1: "Pare let's go to Cagayan de Oro and go white water rafting!" Man2: "Ha! Been there, been that, pare."
• Exasperated, "You know what? Just forget it about it..."
• Boy to friends: "Yeah! We went for it right there and right then!"
• "Hoy Pedro! Where'd you came from? Ha?"
• Employee: "But there's just too many things on my table. I need an assistant!" Boss: "Why don't you just take things first at a time."
• "Listen everyone... first and for all..." 
• Friend to woman crying over suspected cheating husband: "Don't be too quick to judge... just give him the benefit of the daw."
• "What is the world is coming to?"
• "What is the next that is?"
• At a bar: "So... what's a beautiful girl like you?"
• Bella to Jacob and Edward: "Aah stop fighting! I can't take it anymore of this!"
• Miley: "Get the most of both worlds!"
• "Bahala na sila sa mga batman nila."
• "That's what I'm talking about it."
• "One of these days is not like the other."
•  "*Sigh* Whatever you say so."

Have a one-liner to add? Leave it in the comments section below!



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